So One Flat Said to the Other Flat...

This flat planning is really starting to take shape now, isn't it? We've looked at the twee-as-fuck (a technical term) kitchen and my pipes-and-sharp-edges themed bedroom, so shall we move onto the last room that is likely of interest to myself and you lovely readers? The living room. The beating heart of any home: for entertaining guests, hanging out, or just relaxing, it's got to be perfect. And boy, do we have plans for this...

The geeks are coming to town!

If this isn't the first town you thought of, piss off.

I mentioned that Georgia had the privilege of heading the style of the kitchen in exchange for mine and Nadine's (my other flat-mate) complete control over the living room. Boy, have I taken the opportunity to abuse that power. Shall we have a look at what it looks like at the moment?

Brown and blue, a beautiful combination.

The skeleton wore panamas way before they were cool.

I didn't actually move when I took these; the whole room swivels around the cube.

It's pretty bare at the minute save for the flat skeleton, Stan, and a companion cube; all of the furniture, sofas, tables and such, came with the flat. But there's plenty we can fiddle with in here.

Let's begin with posters. I picked up a couple of extremely clichéd "look, I like movies and I'm quirky and interesting" posters for my room in halls at Dundee Fresher's Week last year, but they're a little tattered now (a set of keys found it's way through the Trainspotting one, because halls) and I like a change of scenery, so I went shopping for some new ones. I think on a whole, with Blade Runner, Dirty Harry, The Great Dictator and Oldboy, we've pretty much managed to cover a respectable variety of cinema greats spanning a lengthy time period, plus they'll all look awesome in a nice frame on the wall. A frame which I have still yet to source for the rather large 102x64cm prints that I bought.

Not the first time I've had trouble with things being too big...

Furniture-wise, Georgia managed to pick up that nice DVD cabinet in figure no. 1 for twenty five squidoodles, and it fits in relatively nicely with the battered hunks of wood that came with the place. So all that's left is to add a couple of lamps, for light and shit, and to fill the room with soft furnishings and useless shit.

And it shall all be geeky! We've found: Portal bookends; Portal or Star Trek coasters; a Tetris lamp; Pacman cushions and Facehugger plushies. The idea of creating a green pipe pouffe is also being thrown around, and no, that is not enough geekgasm in one room! Sadly I have yet to find a Bioshock Big Daddy figurine to put in our fish tank, so the planning for the room is so far incomplete.

Now it's 11pm the day before this post is due and I have Whisky Galore to watch (which I'll review on Friday), so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. Goodnight, or if you are part of my Russian reader demographic, good morning. Go get ready for a day of being drunk and getting into car crashes.

Fair morrow, my fine comrades.

So This Flat Walks into a Guy...

This post is late. Again. I'm sorry. Again. It won't happen again. Again. Unless the dog happens to eat it. Again.

But Ben this is a blog post, there's nothing to eat, unless your dog has a good stomach for silicon and glass. And you don't even have a dog anyway.

Fooled yet again by that blasted species!

Enough of your nit-picking, conscience, or I'll have you taken round the back of the building and shot. Did I not make a good enough example of dignity and restraint? Didn't I?!

Ahem. So due to my unwavering laziness I have once again found myself behind on posts, so you'll have to do with another gripping update on the plans for my new flat, complete with atrociously framed photographs taken with my disappointing camera phone. I'm naming and shaming you, HTC One X+. Go think about what you've done.

I'm not angry, just disappointed.

We began with my bedroom, so I think we should move into...the kitchen. Now whereas my room and the living room (which shall be covered next time on Blog Filler Decorating) are most undoubtedly my domain when it comes to design choice, the kitchen belongs entirely to my good friend and flatmate, Georgia.

I couldn't think of a caption worthy enough to put under this picture.

Georgia is so twee it hurts. When her blood clots, it turns into doilies. Her cat is shaped like a teapot and shits cupcakes. As such, the kitchen is very swiftly turning into the set of a Famous Five novel. Here's what it looks like so far:

What do your elf eyes see, Legolas? Those attentive few among you could probably spot the tell-tale signs of an insidious twee infestation in each of these picture. At the top there you'll see a frying pan on the wall. Its about the same size as a digestive biscuit, and not one of us knows where the hell it came from, it was just in Nadine's kitchen storage box. Who buys a frying pan that's even too small to cook up your morning meth in? So any self-deprecating-respecting person would obviously take the opportunity to use it as an ornament, thus it is now on the wall; and to finish off the look we're now sourcing a mini wooden spoon and spatula to go with it.

It's really just a lucky coincidence that the tiles in the kitchen fit in so well what with that lovely floral pattern and beautiful shade of light brown. It reminds me a little of that final trickle at the end of a really thorough enema. That said, it does add the finishing flair to a room that already has a set of bright pink oven gloves, a cheesy "Friends" picture frame (currently displaying some airbrushed happy people, not us), a Marmite biscuit tin and the crowning glory of the room, the clock. Just, wow, that clock. My parents actually have one very similar to it at home but somehow this is just so much worse; I was forward-thinking enough to take a quick snap of it before we put it up.

All it's missing is for all the crockery to dance and play music on the hour.

Whoever made this either thinks that shade of yellow has a lovely subtle tone to it that doesn't make your eyeballs grow hair to try and dull it's glare or has not yet bought a new crockery set since they inherited their current one from grandma von Trapp.

But this is not enough, oh no! To really offset that yellow and brighten up the room a little more, we're going to get a lovely artificial sunflower in a jug to go on the table. Under the thinly veiled sarcasm I do actually like the look of that. And the home-made lemonade kit with matching ice bucket. Then all that's left is a nice menu board, which I believe we may actually be making ourselves, and some cookery and cocktail books to go on the shelf in the corner.

You may now vomit kittens into your antique cake stand.

The colours all taste the same and I felt sick after eating more than two, a bit like french fancies.

But It Could Be...

A Cocktail Bar

How awesome would it be to have your own bar! Who needs a place to prepare food when you have an unlimited supply of booze and a library of drinks recipes. Plus I'm pretty sure there's a dietician somewhere who insists that living off straight spirits and glacé cherries is a safe and healthy way to maintain a good figure, so that's a bonus. 

So This Guy Walks into a Flat...

Good morrow, my little munchkins! This blog post is not late, I assure you; it just so happens that today is the day that I pretend to live in Amchitka. Not that it matters anyway, I had one blog view yesterday. ONE. All this hard work and look how you repay me! With not even existing. You people disgust me; apart from that one person. So (you people - 1) is more appropriate. Thanks maths.

Now I did tell you that I'd keep you up to date on the goings on of things that weren't me watching movies (which is still totally awesome, isn't it?) so I would like to introduce you to my new flat!

Furnished and everything.

That's a cupboard. Nice, isn't it? It's in my room. I think I'll probably store more stuff in it. This, incidentally, was probably the cleanest part of the flat when we first got to poke or heads in the door; the whole place was disgusting. I wish I could say I had taken before/after photographs but I was too busy vomiting into my hands because I didn't want to go near the toilet that smelled of rotten eggs to really make the most of the opportunity. To get the place up to liveable standards it took us a solid three days of cleaning, only stopping to eat, sleep and procrastinate. But at last its starting to look less like a trashed Young Ones set and more like home.

We're keeping the bike though.

I thought it might be nice for you to see a bit of a transition from 'bare, rented flat' to ' My Flat, God-sarnit!'. As such I'll give you a walk-through of the interior design choices of each room along with what I would rather turn it into over the course of a few posts to aid my laziness and lack of imagination. This is undoubtedly a good idea because, obviously along with all of my other talents, I also have as much interior design experience as James Cameron has modesty, so sit down, shut up and feel my knowledge penetrating your squidgy flesh.

This post is also available in my new book of erotic fiction: "Blog Me Harder"

Seeing as you're already in the sex dungeon bedroom cupboard (get the fuck out of there, it's kind of creepy) we might as well start with my room. 

Where I will sleep.

Next to where I will sleep.

Where I will sleep when I should be working.

 I decided in a fit of peak over a gin and tonic one evening that due to my rather bold purchase of grey Tesco bed linen my bedroom shall be adopting an equally dreary industrial/geometric theme. In that vein I bought the lovely, cheerful print of a man with an umbrella seen next to the desk there to go above the bed. There is only one small problem with this design choice.

The walls are yellow. Not a nice pale "oo, isn't that refreshing, darling" kind of yellow, more a "you should probably go get that checked out" kind of yellow.

"Yup...Definitely cancer."

I'm not an expert on this but industrial usually means like grey and stuff, yeah? Big sharp corners and billowing smoke. Pipes and origami unicorns. Yellow means what? Custard? Sand dunes? Radiation? Hey, radiation! That could totally work! An industrial theme with a radioactive slant; I could get a cushion for the bed and everything.

Etsy, you're always there for me when I need you most.

Now we're getting somewhere. So what else do I need? More stuff for the walls, methinks. Oo, how about a big black and white canvas print of something movie-ey but still with that mechanical feel? Like that scene from Alien. Or the opening shot from Blade Runner. Or I guess I could just get a picture of Pripyat.

Makes for a good talking point at parties.

So radioactive cushions and a ghost town, this is really shaping up to be a room that gives of some chilled vibes, dude. More practically I've been looking for a good ol' fashioned cork pin-board, for pinning things to things, and a clock. For...clocking things? Then all that's left is all my usual shit from home: clothes, computer, books, crossbow. Essentials.

The only thing I have no idea what to do with is the shelf above the wardrobe. The attentive few of you may have spotted it in the picture above and I'm completely at odds as to what it could be used for. The boring choice would be a lamp. I refuse to be boring! This room needs a mascot, something that fits in with the theme, but is also close to my heart. Something that will watch over my domain while I'm at uni learning how to kill people and get paid for it. Something completely and utterly fucking awesome.

"£528? You take payments in human blood, right?"

But It Could Be...

A Torture Chamber!

What else could this room be? Sickly, tortuous wallpaper. A nice big storage cupboard for the bulkier equipment. It's perfect. All you'd need to do is replace the bed with an operating table, or failing that, a large sacrificial altar (Home Bargains has an offer on for them at the moment: Buy one altar, get a free virgin) and a cheap set of gardening equipment and you're ready and rearing to go! Anatomy dissection, eat your heart out.

Human heart cooking methods can be found in my new cookery book: "Cannibalism and You: The Joys of Cooking and Devouring Your Loved Ones"