So This Guy Walks into a Flat...

Good morrow, my little munchkins! This blog post is not late, I assure you; it just so happens that today is the day that I pretend to live in Amchitka. Not that it matters anyway, I had one blog view yesterday. ONE. All this hard work and look how you repay me! With not even existing. You people disgust me; apart from that one person. So (you people - 1) is more appropriate. Thanks maths.

Now I did tell you that I'd keep you up to date on the goings on of things that weren't me watching movies (which is still totally awesome, isn't it?) so I would like to introduce you to my new flat!

Furnished and everything.

That's a cupboard. Nice, isn't it? It's in my room. I think I'll probably store more stuff in it. This, incidentally, was probably the cleanest part of the flat when we first got to poke or heads in the door; the whole place was disgusting. I wish I could say I had taken before/after photographs but I was too busy vomiting into my hands because I didn't want to go near the toilet that smelled of rotten eggs to really make the most of the opportunity. To get the place up to liveable standards it took us a solid three days of cleaning, only stopping to eat, sleep and procrastinate. But at last its starting to look less like a trashed Young Ones set and more like home.

We're keeping the bike though.

I thought it might be nice for you to see a bit of a transition from 'bare, rented flat' to ' My Flat, God-sarnit!'. As such I'll give you a walk-through of the interior design choices of each room along with what I would rather turn it into over the course of a few posts to aid my laziness and lack of imagination. This is undoubtedly a good idea because, obviously along with all of my other talents, I also have as much interior design experience as James Cameron has modesty, so sit down, shut up and feel my knowledge penetrating your squidgy flesh.

This post is also available in my new book of erotic fiction: "Blog Me Harder"

Seeing as you're already in the sex dungeon bedroom cupboard (get the fuck out of there, it's kind of creepy) we might as well start with my room. 

Where I will sleep.

Next to where I will sleep.

Where I will sleep when I should be working.

 I decided in a fit of peak over a gin and tonic one evening that due to my rather bold purchase of grey Tesco bed linen my bedroom shall be adopting an equally dreary industrial/geometric theme. In that vein I bought the lovely, cheerful print of a man with an umbrella seen next to the desk there to go above the bed. There is only one small problem with this design choice.

The walls are yellow. Not a nice pale "oo, isn't that refreshing, darling" kind of yellow, more a "you should probably go get that checked out" kind of yellow.

"Yup...Definitely cancer."

I'm not an expert on this but industrial usually means like grey and stuff, yeah? Big sharp corners and billowing smoke. Pipes and origami unicorns. Yellow means what? Custard? Sand dunes? Radiation? Hey, radiation! That could totally work! An industrial theme with a radioactive slant; I could get a cushion for the bed and everything.

Etsy, you're always there for me when I need you most.

Now we're getting somewhere. So what else do I need? More stuff for the walls, methinks. Oo, how about a big black and white canvas print of something movie-ey but still with that mechanical feel? Like that scene from Alien. Or the opening shot from Blade Runner. Or I guess I could just get a picture of Pripyat.

Makes for a good talking point at parties.

So radioactive cushions and a ghost town, this is really shaping up to be a room that gives of some chilled vibes, dude. More practically I've been looking for a good ol' fashioned cork pin-board, for pinning things to things, and a clock. For...clocking things? Then all that's left is all my usual shit from home: clothes, computer, books, crossbow. Essentials.

The only thing I have no idea what to do with is the shelf above the wardrobe. The attentive few of you may have spotted it in the picture above and I'm completely at odds as to what it could be used for. The boring choice would be a lamp. I refuse to be boring! This room needs a mascot, something that fits in with the theme, but is also close to my heart. Something that will watch over my domain while I'm at uni learning how to kill people and get paid for it. Something completely and utterly fucking awesome.

"£528? You take payments in human blood, right?"

But It Could Be...

A Torture Chamber!

What else could this room be? Sickly, tortuous wallpaper. A nice big storage cupboard for the bulkier equipment. It's perfect. All you'd need to do is replace the bed with an operating table, or failing that, a large sacrificial altar (Home Bargains has an offer on for them at the moment: Buy one altar, get a free virgin) and a cheap set of gardening equipment and you're ready and rearing to go! Anatomy dissection, eat your heart out.

Human heart cooking methods can be found in my new cookery book: "Cannibalism and You: The Joys of Cooking and Devouring Your Loved Ones"