Attention All Readers! Again!

You may already recognise the post below, that's because I'm no longer based here, but here. I changed web address, no biggie. Seriously, just click and carry on as normal.

You! Yes you there! The one in the hat. No, not you, the other guy. Yes, you.

"Who? Me?"

I have important news to impart to you: my blog has moved house! *cheers of joy* I have been very vain and decided that my current blog URL, and title for that matter, are not exactly fit for purpose for what I've invariably ended up basing most of my allocated blogging space on.

Pictured: my allocated blogging space.

I mean, srsly, themindofamedic.blogspot.co.uk? For a blog predominantly about horror movies and baking? Sure there are those two medical school survival guides (part three in pre-production, folks), but the URL is just darned misleading; as is the horrific blog title "I should be paying attention to this lecture". Yes I should be, but again not exactly relevant to what I do here.

Pictured: what I do here.

If you happen to have just stumbled across this blog, or have reached this page some time in the distant future and think "ah well, must be dead, let's move on..."; please, don't go! Click the link here, or even here, or the really big one below, to transport yourself to my brand new world of fun and frivolity: The Pop Culture Cynic. The official move will be in a few posts time to give a little overlap for those of you who find change difficult, so I'll re-post this just after Valentine's Day. See you on the other side.

Click here for awesomeness.

Attention All Readers!

You! Yes you there! The one in the hat. No, not you, the other guy. Yes, you.

"Who? Me?"

I have important news to impart to you: my blog has moved house! *cheers of joy* I have been very vain and decided that my current blog URL, and title for that matter, are not exactly fit for purpose for what I've invariably ended up basing most of my allocated blogging space on.

Pictured: my allocated blogging space.

I mean, srsly, themindofamedic.blogspot.co.uk? For a blog predominantly about horror movies and baking? Sure there are those two medical school survival guides (part three in pre-production, folks), but the URL is just darned misleading; as is the horrific blog title "I should be paying attention to this lecture". Yes I should be, but again not exactly relevant to what I do here.

Pictured: what I do here.

If you happen to have just stumbled across this blog, or have reached this page some time in the distant future and think "ah well, must be dead, let's move on..."; please, don't go! Click the link here, or even here, or the really big one below, to transport yourself to my brand new world of fun and frivolity: The Pop Culture Cynic. The official move will be in a few posts time to give a little overlap for those of you who find change difficult, so I'll re-post this just after Valentine's Day. See you on the other side.

Click here for awesomeness.

I Lost My Spam Virginity

Today is a very special day. For today I am no longer a boy; I am now a man, with all of a man's strengths and weaknesses. I, ladies and gentlemen, received spam.

They left no return address. 

What makes this spam so special is its rather cryptic message, which took some time to translate. Witness the most confusing paragraph in the history of the English language:

"I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. Nonetheless, you command get bought and shakiness over that you wish be delivering the following. Unwell, unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike. Here is my web-site hyabak"

"Someone take Sloth away from the computer."

What does it mean? Surely there must be a second meaning to the message that has been hidden behind a carefully constructed wall of functionless adverbs and confused tenses that our puny human brains cannot possibly comprehend.

Wait. Tenses. That's it! This is a message from a time-travelling prostitute informing me that I could use eyedrops to prevent my eyes from getting sore in the wind while taking the members of my future sex-cult hiking.

Not following me? Ok, let's do this one step at a time:

"I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here."

Look at the sudden changes in tense; she loved something that I am yet to receive in the very place that I am at the moment. The fact that it's something I'm receiving (suggesting I paid for it), it can be received while sitting on the sofa in my underwear (where I am right now) and that this person enjoyed it too leads me to the assumption that future me has paid for the company of another human being. It's either that or Chinese food; but I don't share Chinese food, so it's got to be a prostitute. I know what you're thinking, GMC, but you can't deem me unsuitable for medical practise for something I've not done yet.

"Damn you, space-time continuum."

Plus, it's very common knowledge that people who partake in regular time travel start to lose the ability to vocalise the concept of time and the passage of it, so the jumpyness of the past, present and future tenses suggest that this particular person is a well versed time traveller. Thus time-travelling prostitute. Simple. The next sentence really hits this theory home:

"The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish."

She's started using basic writing-based metaphors to conceal the real intent of the sentence here. The sketch she's talking about would have been drawn with a pencil; the pencil actually being something completely different but equally pencil shaped.

Like a candy stick sharpened into a makeshift weapon.

As for the "authored subject matter"; well that's obviously what I'm doing with the pencil, and she thinks its preeeeety stylish. Aw yis. You can't knock the facts, ladies. But wait, what's this next bit?

"Nonetheless, you command get bought and shakiness over that you wish be delivering the following."

Soon, word of my prowess has reached far and wide. I command a following of devoted cult members who worship my great and powerful sketch. I am unsure of myself at first and someone tries to buy me out, obviously hoping to obtain the movie rights to my story, but I refuse. Finally I decide that the only thing for us to do is go on a great pilgrimage to our Mecca, which is actually just a big hill near my house.

And when we reach the top, we shall all help each other improve our authored subject matter.

But tragedy strikes!

"Unwell, unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike."

I am stricken ill each time we attempt to reach the summit. Again and again, we attempt to scale its mild inclines but are thwarted each time, with no choice but to give up and return to the base disheartened. What is this mysterious illness, you ask? Why it is dry eyes from the wind of course.

I said dry eyes, not aye ayes. Jeez. Get that fucking thing away from me.

Luckily our mysterious prostitute from the future who only goes by the name Anonymous finally reveals the aim of her mission. The answer to all our troubles: Hyabak multi-dose 0.15% sodium hyaluronate eyedrops. They progressively release water and increase contact with the ocular surface of the eye, leading to healthier, moist eyes all day round. Oh, thank you Hyabak and Spectrum Thea Pharmaceuticals.

But most of all, thank you Anonymous. Thank you for risking the highly probable paradoxical destruction of the universe and your own life, for being reasonably priced (even taking into consideration future inflation rates), but most of all for helping future me have more comfortable eyes so that I can walk in a brisk wind without squinting and partake in weird hill-top cult orgies.

Now fuck off and don't spam me again.

Meet The List

If there's one thing I should really get round to doing it's writing these posts more than two days in advance, because as soon as anything gets in the way of my writing, then all shit goes to hell or something similar.

However all dogs do definitely go to heaven.

The person that I'm going to use as a scapegoat for my not finishing off the long awaited Film Facts Part 2: The Factening, is Gabe Newell. He founded Valve. Valve runs Steam. Steam has sales. The Steam Christmas Sale had FTL: Faster Than Light on it for under a pound. And now I can't stop playing it.

Upgrade screens: The crystal meth of video games.

This along with my constant tweaking of the blog layout, as you can see by it's now greatly improved sexy sexiness (it's so sexy), and the creation of an unhealthy number of favicons that I intend to cycle through has led to a certain downtime in my usually industrious writing escapades. It's not that I'm saying I was distracted by pretty shiny things but yes, I was. Also by the agonising frustration of being lasered to death by fucking drones for the 60th time. Hours of epic battle followed by my poor spaceship being laser-raped by robots really sucks the time out of your day.

Drones: The malaria-ridden mosquitoes of video gaming.

The other little thing I've been working on is this. That's a cue to click the hyperlink, by the way. If you're allergic to bluey-purple text, just look at the shiny new page bar at the top of the blog and click on the enigmatically titled "The List". Go on; I'll wait.

If you're still having trouble, please ask a parent or teacher to help you.

I've compiled a little list of 50 movies I aim to watch in this fine year of 2014. Not review, mind. These are films that I've either been meaning to watch, had recommended to me by my very select group of cinema confidants (read in a French accent for correct pronunciation), or I happened to stumble across while reading the IMDb Trivia page for Sex and the City or whatever I was doing last night while high on power bar upgrades and cheesy nibbles. Excuse me a moment.

*snort*

Ah, better. So yes, just letting you know about the list. Each movie comes with it's name, year of release, rating and my interpretation of what it'll be about entirely by looking at its poster and nothing else. Check back regularly to see how many I've managed to watch and also for other little bits on what I've thought of them post-viewing. Now I have lots of things to be doing, very busy, must dash, let yourselves out.