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Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Five (Random) Things

You readery people are probably getting a little tired of constant movie reviews so I've decided to shake things up a bit and do something different, and this totally has nothing to do with me having not finished the next review yet. The very kind Fiona happened to tag me in one of these chain mail thingys that you can't seem to get away from, so naturally I feel obliged to join in the fun. I won't take the piss too much, promise...

The face of a man who knows how to keep a promise.

I don't need your rules, man! You don't own me!

5 Things You Need Every Day

1. Air. For the breathings. (read in a Swedish accent, its funnier)
2. A thesaurus for instigating the stimulation of my ponderous musings into, horrendously misplaced punctuation and a lack of grammatical prowess. Sorry Fiona, your number 2 was like that.
3. A six hour face and foot massage from my Portuguese boy-servant/apple thief, Pablo, who, for the record, is paid a living wage of two dried apricots and some shredded newspaper per week.
4. My bestest fwends Kandii and Lorraine, who can be found enjoying some [censored] together at www.[censored].com.
5. A quick swig from my antimony goblet to help the rest of the feast go down.

The face of a man being driven mad by heavy metal poisoning.
5 Books You Would Recommend

I don't read a lot, but I've picked a couple that happened to be within reach of the laptop, and a few that I just Googled.

1. The Wiseard's Companion - Ancient Wizards in Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch
2. Quite Ugly One Morning - Christopher Brookmyre
3. Waiting for Godot - Samuel Becket (you won't have head of it, now excuse me while I sit under a tree and masturbate on my iPad)
4. Buyer's Guide to TV, Phone and Broadband - Virgin Media
5. The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire - Edward Gibbon (oo-oo)

The face of a man too cool for Roman history.
5 Materialistic Wishes for Christmas Presents

1. A PS4. Duh.
2. Donald Trump. A hellish tool of capitalism, but he's great fun to play Twister with. It counts as a loss if the toupee falls off.
3. A film camera. Like, for filming. Not one that uses film.
4. A Subway reward card with 8'000'000 points loaded onto it.
5. An African orphan, so I can give him a present for his Christmas. Then ship him back.

The face of a man who doesn't know what Christmas is.
5 Places You Want to Visit

1. New Zealand. Not Australia. Have you seen the number of things that want to kill you over there?
2. Norwegian Fjords by boat. Preferably a really posh one.  
3. Kenya. Mainly for the tigers.
4. Pripyat. They say it's great for fruit picking.
5. Peru. The Mecca for over-privileged, middle class, white teenagers.

The face of a man with the squits after eating that dodgy roasted goat.
5 Adjectives That Describe You

1. Sarcastic (no way!)
2. Obsessive-Compulsive
3. Eloquently Hypocritical
4. Psychotic
5. Lemon

The face of the man who doesn't understand any of those foreign words.
5 Things You'd Say To People About Life

1. If the spoon doesn't stand up in it by itself, it isn't strong enough.
2. Never judge a woman by her looks, but by her cassolette.
3. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start 
4. Never grow up. They make you get a job.
5. Never trust a Roman emperor.

The face of a man who has hurt feelings.
Tagged Blogs

Apparently I now have to tag some people... Do other people actually use this site? I thought it was just me. So I clicked next blog a couple of times and bunged some people on here. Consider it a lucky dip of blogs.

2. This Pugh 
Also Rhona.

I don't see any way that these people are ever actually going to see this, so consider this post a nice, neat little bookend to this branch of the proverbial snaking web of chain posts. You're welcome.

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